The next few days were almost good. My anxiety never let up, always a distant rumble in my chest, but it didn’t get worse. Work helped to take my mind off things. Listher had offered to let me take time off to be with Nate, but my hands were itching for things to do, and I turned him down immediately. I made sure to spend time with Nate after work, but I had to throw myself into something or I would snap. Work became a vacation from my social life.

 It was day four into the week before Cowl would arrive, and I was putting some elbow grease into the Benevolence’s interior systems after my shift (the air circulator was vibrating in a way I didn’t like). Nate was on the Hope in the next dock, and I felt guilty for not having him to keep me company, but I needed the space today.

Somewhere in the ship, a floor panel creaked. I brushed it off, assuming it was the ship settling. After all, Benni would have said something if someone had boarded. It had been uncharacteristically quiet today, but that didn’t really concern me either. Silence wasn’t uncommon. No doubt it would pipe up eventually, perhaps with some burning question about being alive that we could debate over for the next hour. I picked up a wrench, looking to tighten up the nut on a pipe that seemed to be the source of the rattling. Just a few twists and–

“Amazing. How do you do it?” came a voice from behind me.

I froze. My grip tightened around the wrench.

“I mean really, that’s twice now you’ve been able to convince Mr. Brooks to defect, even with all my conditioning.” said the voice. It was langorous, sneering. “My fault for recycling, I suppose.”

It sounded so much like Nate, but the speech patterns were wrong, like the speaker was using a mouth they weren’t used to. Slowly, I turned, then gasped. It looked like Nate, but his eyes were horrible. They weren’t the verdant green I had loved. Now they glowed bright cyan, two concentric circles with seven dots evenly spaced around them, the exact same eyes I had always seen peering out from advertising screens all over Ulthea. 

“Who are you?” I stammered.

“Surely you recognize your beloved Blessed Madsen Lawsek?” Nate – no, Blessed Lawsek – said, feigning hurt. “Any good Ulthean should recognize me at a glance. But of course, you haven’t been very good, have you?”

I tried taking a step backwards and bumped into the wall. Lawsek was standing between me and the door. The magnitude of what was happening was almost too great for me to understand. “Please tell me this is a joke, Nate,” I begged.

“Nathaniel Brooks has had the distinct honor of becoming one of my holy proxies, those chosen who I can speak and act through, should the need arise,” Blessed Lawsek preened. “It allows me to put the fear of God into those who have forgotten. He’s a strong one, isn’t he? I figured he’d do well. Shame. You both have a lot to answer for.”

Seeing Nate’s face twist into expressions I’ve never seen him make made me physically ill. How did Lawsek expect me to react to this? I wanted to scream. My brain told me to run, but my body struggled to respond. The best my shaking, clattering legs could do was sidestep along the wall, heading towards the door. “Get… out of him,“ I rasped.

“Why should I?” the Blessed demanded. “As I said, he’s failed twice now, after multiple warnings. I’ve given him quite a lot of leeway, you know. He has no more right over his own body than you do this ship.”

“He’d never agree to something like this,” I said. Why wasn’t Benni saying anything? “The upgrade to his cybernetics package. You tricked him.”

“It’s not my fault no one reads the contracts we give them,” Lawsek said. “It was there if he cared to pay attention.”

“That’s a lie,” I shot back. Now I was getting mad. “He didn’t have a choice. It was sign or be retrained, that’s how it always goes. Benni!”

Lawsek clicked Nate’s tongue in reproach and shook his head as broken static issued from the nearest speaker. “Did you really think I would step onto this traitor ship and risk getting shot by your little pet?” they asked, the sneer returning to Nate’s face. “You don’t live for as many centuries as I have without learning some cunning. I’ve caged it for now. Gave quite a fight for a little worm.”

“What do you want?” I asked. Just had to keep them talking, they seemed happy enough to gloat. I was so close to the door.

“I want what Ulthea wants,” the Blessed intoned, their horrid eyes washing me in sickly blue light. “Retribution. Justice. I am its longest arm. I see through the eyes of every one of my loyal proxies, and through this one, I see a terrorist, a traitor. A separatist who would seek to undermine our society should she continue to live.”

“I’m just one person,” I said, struggling to keep my voice level. “I’ve practically been exiled already. What damage could I possibly do?”

“Perhaps not much, out here,” Lawsek admitted. “Were I to let you be, you might live a humble life. Grow old and die without setting a single foot off this backwater station. Your death, however – at this time and in this place – will bring every Ulthean together in celebration, a rallying cry against those who might hurt us. Isn’t that wonderful?”

In horror, I watched as Nate’s right arm rippled and twisted. His fingers knitted together, then his whole forearm lengthened and flattened into the shape of a curved blade. A thin line of plasma ran up his arm, along the edge of the blade and to the tip. Lawsek sighed in appreciation.

“Incredible thing, isn’t it?” they said, either mistaking my terrified expression for awe, or not caring. The blade hummed softly as they turned it back and forth. “I really must thank Bathest at our next meeting.”

This finally crossed the line. My instincts, the ones that had served me back in Ulthea, had been begging for me to lash out with the wrench in my hand, but my brain had been holding them back. I couldn’t hit Nate. Now, some switch had flipped in my head, and with fight or flight being my only options, I took both.

There was a grunt of pain as metal hit flesh, then a metallic clang followed by a thump as the wrench and something else hit the floor panels. Another burst of static issued from the speakers, but I was already in flight, sprinting and stumbling through the Benevolence in a blind panic. Maybe it was dumb luck, or someone was watching out for me, but every door in the ship had been opened, leaving me a clear path to the dock. I charged down the cargo bay door and beelined for the bulkhead. Heavy footsteps were behind me, far too close. Panting, I stopped myself on the door with my right arm, and reached for the control panel with my left–

Which was gone.

My left arm, just above the elbow, had been severed. The heat from the plasma blade had half-cauterized the stump, but it was still bleeding profusely. Darkness began to dance around my vision. I made a sound somewhere between a shriek and a cough and staggered backwards, right into Lawsek.

He grabbed my neck from behind and threw me halfway across the dock, Nate’s enhanced muscles being more than enough to toss my slight frame like a bean bag. I hit the ground hard, knocking the breath from my lungs. As I wheezed, staring in shock at my amputated limb, I could just barely make out Lawsek’s voice.

“–me with a wrench and just get away with it!?” They screamed, marching towards me, eyes glowing like twin stars. “That arm won’t be the half of it, you ungrateful little wretch!”

All I could do was gurgle in fear and desperately shove myself backwards along the ground. Even my cybernetic legs were starting to feel weak. Blood oozed from my arm as I struggled, leaving a trail of crimson. A foot slammed down on my right leg, and I heard the metal crack. The Blessed Madsen Lawsek loomed over me. Their eyes burned into every part of my being. The world was fading. I gasped again for breath. Somewhere, just under Lawsek’s tirade, I could barely make out the familiar sound of a gimbal pivoting on well oiled bearings.

“We gave you everything!” they ranted. Another foot was placed on my chest, restricting my breathing even further. “Your legs, your eye. We made you the woman you are. This is how you repay us?! Death is too good for you. I’m taking you back to Ulthea, where we’ll make you a proper ex–”

Lawsek disappeared, and then the air exploded. A sound that came more as a pressure wave than anything I could hear. Either my brain shut down my hearing, or my eardrums had burst, and I was dragged another few feet along the ground by a rush of wind. Red lights began to flash, though I couldn’t hear anything but a harsh ringing that seemed to come from inside my own skull. There was no comprehension of anything else. Pain was starting to creep in from my arm, but my consciousness was slipping away faster.

The last thing I remembered before falling fully into darkness were strong arms as they lifted me with gentle haste, and held me to a broad chest. Then the feeling of motion, air moving across my face. The smell of sweat and thick fur. 

“Nate…?”