The next week and a half passed slow. Blessedly, Dr. Skisk was finally giving me some solid food along with the liquid diet I was on, but it was a cold comfort. I could tell Dr. Skisk knew something was wrong. We spent a couple of days quietly putting together puzzles and playing simple board games, on a bedtable that could be moved to hang over my lap so I didn’t have to strain my side. 

Occasionally, they attempted to get me to open up about what was bugging me. Their attempts were appreciated, but I didn’t feel that it was worth it for them to struggle in Ulthean for my sake, instead claiming that I usually acted this way when bedridden for long enough. Once I was on my feet again, I would have plenty to keep my mind occupied. That seemed enough to satisfy them, but they still visited a couple of times a day.

Helga visited just once in the entire two weeks. I had been in the middle of an article about recent spacefaring civilizations and the ethics of first contact when she came in. She took a seat next to my bed and stared at me silently, hands on her knees. I placed the tablet on my lap.

After a few seconds, I gave her a confused look. When she still said nothing once another moment had passed, I’d had enough. It felt as though I was being studied, which I hated. “Is there something I can help you with?” I said, my tone maybe a bit more forceful than I had intended.

She straightened up at that, but her curious expression didn’t change. “I just had a very interesting discussion with your ship AI.”

That put me on the backfoot. Something in her demeanor towards Benni when they met had given me the impression that she wouldn’t be interested in talking to it again unless she was forced to. Had she been? 

“And?” I prompted.

“And, I’d like to talk about it,” Helga said. “I know it can lie, or at least hide the full truth. I asked it about what happened between your grand escape, and when we found you. Now I’d like to do the same with you.”

My eyebrows knit together. “You thought Benni might be lying to you, so you’re going to ask me? Why aren’t you worried I’d lie to you?”

Helga shrugged. “Like I said before, I know how to work with people. You haven’t had time to corroborate, so you wouldn’t be able to lie the same way. Shall we?”

“Fine,” I relented. There wasn’t a guarantee she was trying to get rid of Benni yet. If I was civil, she would be more likely to take my side. “What can I help with?”

“Tell me everything, from the top,” she said, crossing her arms. “I didn’t ask before because you were still pretty weak, and Tek’za would have yelled at me again.”

“Tek’za?” I asked.

Helga waved a dismissing hand. “Sorry, Dr. Skisk. We’ve known each other a while.”

“Oh,” I said, then hesitated. “I. I don’t know if I can talk about that yet. Or ever. I would really rather just forget it and move on.”

“I would too. That’s why I’m asking you now,” Helga said. “I told you before, I can’t just drop this. If I can’t determine whether you or your ship are threats to the station, then I would much rather get rid of the ship at the very least, and the sooner the better. So you can tell me now and be upset with me for a little reason, or you can be upset with me later for a big reason.”

My jaw clenched as the events of that day rose in my head, and I shuddered at the memory of my wrench impacting the guard’s helmet. For a split second I thought saw Helga’s features soften as she watched me, but her serious expression returned just as quickly, and I wondered if I had imagined it. 

“Okay,” I said finally. “I’ll try. Just, I’m not proud of any of this. Alright? I could have just accepted retraining, and a lot of good people would still be alive right now.”

The corners of Helga’s mouth drew back into more of a frown, but she stayed silent. Once it was clear she was waiting for me to start, I took a deep breath, then told the story as best I could. It was rambling, and stuttery. There were details I couldn’t fully remember, then had to go back to in order to fill in the blanks. I choked on my words multiple times. The beginning, crystallized in fear, was easier to recall, but difficult to get out. On the opposite end of the spectrum, the latter half of my experience was much easier to talk about, except I could hardly remember any of it. Even the encounter with the recovery squad felt shrouded in fog.

Helga interrupted a couple of times to ask clarifying questions, mostly when I mentioned something about Benni. Did I think its’ concern was genuine? Why did it take such large risks? I never had an answer that felt satisfying to me, but she accepted whatever I gave her. Other than that, she simply listened intently. Her expression never changed, and I couldn’t tell how I was being received. Eventually I came to the end, stone faced and grim. We sat in silence. The final description of how the recovery team’s cannons punched through the Benevolence hung in the air. 

Nothing about the experience felt cathartic. In fact, I felt significantly worse, which must have shown on my face, because Helga stood and made her way to the door. At first, I thought she was going to leave me alone, but just before she exited the room, she turned. “I’ll be right back. Don’t go… anywhere.”

The look I gave her could have melted tungsten. She grimaced and quickly retreated down the hallway. About ten minutes later, she returned with a mug of steaming brown liquid, and a small pastry. After placing them on the bedtable and rolling it back over my lap, she sat down again. I gave the mug a cautious sniff. Spices and honey.

“Tea…?” I asked, looking at Helga.

She nodded. “The pastry has a brecca nut paste. You probably haven’t had it before, but it’s good. Sorry. I probably should have brought them before I made you do that.”

I didn’t say anything, but I did pick up the mug and take a small sip. It was sweet, and almost too hot, which was how I liked it. Tea was a bit of a luxury in Ulthea, but whenever the repair bays felt especially cold, there was always hot chocolate in the break room. It was always my favorite, even if it was artificial. None of us had ever eaten real chocolate anyways. The station didn’t stock them, I was pretty sure. It had probably been the head mechanic. He always tried to get us little things to keep us going when quotas were high, even if he never admitted to it. 

Suddenly I gave a heaving sob. My eyes welled with tears, and I had to quickly put the mug down before I doubled over.

Breaking down like this in front of someone was the last thing I wanted, least of all Helga, but I couldn’t help it. I hunched over the bedtable and covered my face with one arm, desperately fighting my own body with each shuddering breath just to stop whatever the hell this was. A heavy hand landed softly on my shoulder, and I turned my tear streaked face to see Helga staring at me with open concern. That just made me cry even harder. Now she cared? 

I thought I had already gone through this when I first escaped. Where was this coming from? My mind kept recalling memories of my old coworkers, people I had considered friends, who nevertheless stood and watched as I was being dragged away. It was grief, but at their betrayal or loss, I couldn’t — and probably never would — understand. There was too much to comprehend.

By the time the tears and shaking subsided, the tea was lukewarm. Parched, I lifted it to my mouth with shaking hands and drank it all in one go. 

“There’s more, if you want it,” Helga said.

I nodded, wordlessly handing her the mug. My throat felt raw, and my eyelids were puffy, even under the eyepatch. She returned much quicker than before, and I took some time just focusing on the tea. The steam helped my stuffed sinuses, and the smell of spice was a welcome balm. The pastry went uneaten for now.

Helga stayed by my side the entire time, keeping an eye on me, but clearly trying not to stare. I watched her out of the corner of my eye when I thought she wasn’t watching me, looking away whenever she turned in my direction. Finally, she took a deep breath and spoke. “You can keep the Benevolence.”

My mind completely emptied. Had I heard her right? Still hunched over my tea, I looked her in the eyes. “What?”

“You can keep your ship,” she repeated. “And before you think it’s because I’m taking pity on you, don’t. I had decided by the time you finished your side of the story. It matched what your AI told me.” 

“Oh. Good,” I said, looking away again. My emotions were still too raw to feel any sort of happiness in response to what was unequivocally fantastic news. Part of me resented Helga for causing my breakdown, even though neither of us could have expected my reaction.

If she could tell I was upset, she didn’t let it show. “You know, the way it speaks about you is interesting.”

That focused me a little more into the present. I sniffled. “What do you mean?”

“It’s not… It doesn’t feel things,” Helga began. “It can’t. Right? But there’s something there. It kept asking after you. The way it… Do you remember, the first time we talked to it? Before we left, it asked you to visit. Ship AI’s don’t do that. Maybe it’s an Ulthean thing, but the way you talk about it yourself, that tells me it’s new to you too.”

She wasn’t wrong. I just had more time to get used to it. “Sure,” I said. “But it is who it is.”

“What it is,” Helga countered. I rolled my eye as she continued. “And, I’ve decided if you want to treat it like a person, that means it gets the good and the bad. It’s participating in our system whether it wants to or not, just like the rest of us. It’s got to follow the rules from now on. As long as you can get it to agree to that, I won’t have any problems.”

“I… think I can,” I said. “It’s kind of stuck in the ship, though. I don’t think it’s going anywhere without me.”

Helga shrugged. “Either way. I’m sure you can figure it ou–”

Something beeped, interrupting her. She looked down at a device flashing on her wrist, and grimaced. “Damn. Been here longer than I realized. Listen, when you’re on your feet again, come to my office. I want to talk to you about that job offer.”

I blinked. “Oh, sure. I think I still have a week or so.”

“Any time is fine,” Helga said, making her way to the door. Just before she left, she turned and pointed at the uneaten pastry still in front of me. “Make sure you eat that. It’s good.”

The door shut behind her, and I was left alone with my thoughts again. I looked at the pastry, then picked it up and took a bite. My half lidded eye snapped open as the sudden buttery sweetness finally grounded me entirely. It really was good.